cheech-junk

Negativity

2010-04-30T20:43:00.001+02:00

Everyday something else can change…feel the wind beneath you…everything can stop…the whole world just waits… I can hear it calling… feeling it within myself …wanting to leave and just scream it out loud… but I can’t my voice doesn’t come… just go and start to try… because I can’t continue worrying… can’t let you bring me down again and again… I’m not strong … who am I kidding? I am not perfect, I’m not strong…but one thing is I am not a screw up, or worthless or useless… but I guess in your eyes I’ll never be good enough for no one… it hurts me deep inside …it cuts me deeply hearing you say it.. But what can I do? I can just stand there and take each and every blow you throw at me… but I won’t give up and I know I may break down but I have to attempt to move on… I have feelings too… can’t you see the sadness in my eyes? I guess you can’t because negativity is all that I hear coming from your mouth. But I won’t give up…even though I know it will go wrong… I may breakdown but I’ll fight back the tears...

Pretenders, Haters, and Backstabbers

2009-11-16T04:09:00.002+01:00

How much I hate pretenders who show one face when they are in front of you and then a different face to others. Or they take you words and personal life and twist them way out of proportion and then you find out that your in the mouth of others. Something you confided is out in the open. Its so ridiculous really I mean if you are not going to say anything nice then why even say it! Makes me so angry and sick inside. Because I hate backstabbers who say to be your friends and then you find out it was all a lie..I'm done believing in friends... because they are all haters~! Pretenders, Haters, and Backstabbers that's all they are...! And they are all haters and got nothing better to do than talk crap about others. Just so that they can feel superior or better of themselves and their pitiful lives! Talk talk talk all you want but I'm done listening to all of your stupid lies! I'm done believing in all of you haters and pretenders and backstabbers because that is all you are and all you will EVER be... so if you have nothing to say get out of my face and stop hating on me. You don't see me hating on you or talking about you...whatever I'm done listening to all of your lies because it is all CRAP!!!!! LIES!!!! ....pretenders, haters, and backstabbers...sad to say that it was you will be FOREVER!....your mask has been uncovered and your true self has been revealed... your true identity shows clearly...and frankly its very shady!

It wasn't enough

2009-11-16T03:55:00.002+01:00

It wasn't enough to just saying it... it wasn't enough to feel it..nor pay the bitterness with my own life...It wasn't enough to abandon my dreams and leave them behind... selling you soul just so you could live on with your own life...No it wasn't enough just live..betraying the silence for you and even so you leave and I'm left talking to myself...Today I just can't lie to myself anymore and I understand that you try to make me not be happy..As if I'm not meant to feel happiness..you have ripped me of my happiness...Every single time they look into my eyes.. all they ever look for was to see their own reflection and not the person behind those eyes... Nothing ever mattered... feeling nothing and everything... no it wasn't enough... you've left... and I can't lie to myself no more... guess it is time that takes you.. no it wasn't enough to live... here I am talking to myself. Never were happy with me..I don't understand why? All I ever did was try and try but no, I guess it just wasn't enough for them...

A Corner

2009-11-16T03:45:00.002+01:00

I've changed numbers, friends and habits to flee from the past...to forget it all... like the light shining through the trees...like the day before it'll snow... I'll jump over the obstacles...but everything I felt was left in a corner... even though I know you will never admit what you did... I'm just a forgotten detail that you have erased...and no one will know who you truly are... Even thought the rage boils inside me...what did I ever do to you?... Why did you cause me so much pain?... Memories I wish I could just take and leave them in a corner and just rewire my mind. From this day on I will forever be confused but will somehow be strong. Free from everything and you... I will fight back and show you I can.. I may fall but I will get up... I may bruise and bleed but I won't fail.. I may break down sometimes but I will look up to the dark sky and regain strength to get back up...

Listen carefully

2009-11-16T03:28:00.002+01:00

Once again I thought of it...it seems years since we have spoken...that we've really truly spoken.. it just seems to happen.. no one is like me inside...listen carefully to the message its for all to hear... tell me if anyone is there... I know that there will be no alternative way... I know I just... I've looked everywhere... I've waited for so long for someone to say " It's okay, take my hand and keep going." it's been erased...Everyone has flown away as if I'm a plague or a curse.. Listen carefully to what I have to say and tell me is there someone there? I don't belong here anymore...wait I guess I never really did... you may say things about me but you will never see what happens now...no, you will not have an alternative way anymore...the mask is forever stuck on your face...this is who you are and who you will ALWAYS be...

Completely lost

2009-11-16T03:16:00.002+01:00

Speak... don't make me wait for a response... tell me if everything is lost... I've believed, I've listened.. a huge mistake with a high price... I've believed that I'm not that once happy joyful girl I once was... my face buried behind my hands... emotions beating intensely inside of me... Speak.. please make it stop destroying me inside...just how I helped you long ago... and say if it is all gone.. all the suffering... it's a breath of oxygen that screams at you... I need those emotions to come back to me somehow some way, in my hands, inside my head... in my muscles... emotions running through your veins... I trust that someday I'll re-discover them inside me...I know they are all still there within me...deep inside... That's how it will be..speak to me...I've lost it...but maybe its not completely lost....

Time

2009-11-16T03:12:00.002+01:00

Rain pours down on the seam...the clocks ticking back...footsteps left behind...can you see the tears crawling off their cheeks?... We fall back to the ground... collapsed under the pouring rain... Do you see what you have done?... To bad one can't take back all the pain that someone else has caused... you can't and that is what kills you inside... disappearing like snowflakes falling from the sky...

Black and White paper roses

2009-10-25T02:46:00.002+02:00

I linger in the hallway...
eyes closed...
All I can hear are these monsters screaming my name over and over.
Let me stay in here in the woods where I sit...
The breeze blowing through my dark curls...
it's whisphering to me.
As I watch the rain drops fall each one is a story..
They each tell a story...
Just like my dark eyes gave this deep story within..
Running through a field of black and white paper roses.
Dark, gray clouds lingering above...
Laying in the grass in silence..
hearing my heart beat slowly and painfully..
pounding in my head...
watching the sky spin around faster and faster.
Rain drops streaming down my face mixing along with my black tears.
Washing away all of my fears.
What is keeping me here hollow inside?
Is there someone there watching me?
Pulling me down...
My heart still pounding in my head...
bleeding slowly..
Living in this made up world in order to escape and feel less.
I've been laying here for hours..watching the sky fly over me..
I've been swallowed up in the sound of my screaming.
I long for the deep sleep dreaming so then I'm free for a bit.
Laying here in my field of black and white paper roses.
I will lay here until someone helps me up...
...if anyone does that that is.
..if not I'll lay here forever..

corners

2009-10-25T02:44:00.000+02:00

There's a cold dark corner in the back of my room, it speaks to me and says I'm coming for you. As I lie on my bed in the fetal position, my eyes are closed hoping and wishing. Maybe that one day my dreams will come true, that I don't have to be here so down and blue. The corner keeps talking about how I'm going to die, all I can do is lie there and cry. As the corner gets closer and takes me in, my soul starts to burn as so does my skin. My bones shall lie there turning to dust, my bed surrounding nothing but rust.

Rain

2009-10-25T02:43:00.002+02:00

I sit and watch as the rain falls from a sky so dark and gray Is this life a crying sky if so, not even I can fight I'm tired of hurting I'm tired of tears I'm tired of being alone for all these years I want peace and I want love I want to break free to fly above!

forever darkness

2009-10-25T02:43:00.001+02:00

if the dark side fills the light of the sun you will start to feel weak in your knees and there is nobody there to help you up even when you say please the light you had, starts to become dark seeing something right outside your clear window is the shadow of the tree's bark looking right outside your window you see the moon shining real bright to see if the darkness will go away soon but when you have nothing to say you just want to break down into small pieces and stay some say that "love is pure to the heart" others say that "it disappears and parts" but you say it both then the love doesn't know what to do so now that you know what can happen to you remember this saying "only one heart can spread it into two

why cry?

2009-10-25T02:42:00.000+02:00

The grass is billowing by the steed. The night is so very clear. all I really, really need. is to know what is there. The moon is shining brilliantly white. the stars are twinkling everywhere. so why am I crying on this beautiful night? I am crying because I dont know what is there

lost

2009-10-25T02:41:00.000+02:00

Do you know what it feels like to be left behind? losing everyone around you in such little time. I try not to worry since they're left in the past but it's hard going through life knowing nothing ever lasts. It's hard to hide behind this frown, When on the inside you're on the verge of a breakdown. I've lost everyone that meant the world to me. All I have left of them are these memories. You have no idea how badly I want them back. But they've left me in the past which was their plan of attack. The pain of losing them will never go away. I'm tired of feeling like this everyday. I feel like I no longer belong. I fake my happiness to show nothings wrong

starting over

2009-10-25T02:39:00.001+02:00

remembering everything...everything I HAVE LOVED AND EVERYTHING I HAVE HATES...I WAS GIVEN AWAY AS IF I JUST wasn't enough..words have been said...but is there room to forgive? how could i have been hurt again? what happened? how did they get in? why was she given up? what if she truly is trying her hardest? cant u see it? why did i take a chance of proving something? why cant we learn to love? what if we try starting over one more? make things right this time? give it one more shot...just start over again...look into my eyes you can see a change in me...please can we start over and forget the stupid things? the hollow emptiness inside me was made by your mistakes...its really hurting me. you took it too far...look into my eyes..start again..lost inside this twisted maze...why do you insist on hating? why do you hold on to the grudge? why? LET IT GO! JUST LET IT GO! GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY...repeat it over n over...forgive and forget! do it already! what are you waiting for??? do it!! start over again! erase it blank

remember me?

2009-10-25T02:38:00.000+02:00

you knew me once but if you've forgotten look into my eyes...remember me? do you? speak at once...hearing a voice...maybe my heart n self will recognize it...but yet i cannot hear anything...changed but yet caught in the past...memories...the promises...living in the yesterday instead of the today...but i know i shouldn't cry for the yesterday...making my way to the light...cant seem to be able to walk away...because after knowing it...how can one pretend to not know the truth? as it it was just a dream...ill never forget it...how it felt when we were all smiling and laughing...memories ...belonging there in the happiness...I watch you disappear leaving behind this emptiness within me and i cant even turn back time even though sometimes we all wish we could. nothing compares to it ...not wanting to let go of the ledge...never..am i the same after everything? i cant walk away and just fall of the edge...no I'm not the same anymore....

don't knw u

2009-10-25T02:37:00.000+02:00

maybe when the heart stops bleeding it'll stop hurting...then you just wouldn't need to answer back to no one...dnt wnt 2 b alone..someday you'll gt sick of it all because you say it as if everything is all right when we all know that it is not. YOU'LL probably still be pretending like you are now not knowing what to say...I think I'm going to let go...because its just hurting us more...hurting me more..i don't know why I LET YOU FOR SOME MANY YEARS DO THIS...I don't even know who you are! ...who are you? leave me alone and go away.. cant you see you have won!?... I Can still hear your evil voice laughing your evil laugh triumphal... stop it! stop it!...screaming into the night but no one listens to me...i don't wanna hear you anymore...! stop it! stop it!! i cant take your crap anymore!!!!! its making me sick to my stomach! I just cant anymore...

don't pretend

2009-10-25T02:35:00.000+02:00

I wake up in the middle of the night...staring up at the ceiling...another bad dream..I just wish for the strength to me alive and help me go back to sleep another fraud another fake...it all turned out to be it always was but everyone was blinded by your mask only I Could see the REAL YOU...What keeps someone sane when they Feel they are going insane?...someones calling my name...just been cast away...they wouldn't understand they'll never truly see what I truly am...what YOU truly are... stop pretending like you care stop making people believe that you even care cause I know the truth you don't anymore actually i don't think you ever did...we all live in a world that judges all that they see...in this place that only seems to drag you down..I'm sorry if I'm not good enough person..if you only knew then maybe you'd understand... but I'm not okay anymore...its broken me inside...its been a rough journey and Ive finally broken. stop it! stop pretending anymore your mask will fall down someday n reveal the truth!

All you get is nothing

2009-10-25T02:34:00.000+02:00

Locks of dark curls fall-into place. right in the mid center of my face. They cover my forehead and my eyes. They act as my armor, my shiny disguise. My reflection against people looking down on me. I don't want them to see the inner beauty. I'm forced to walk down the halls as if in a trance. People form opinions about me with just a glance. They wear their glasses rose-tinted, so they will never really see just how much it hurts to be me. On a daily basis, I cry and try to forget the things that have happened that will never admit, not parents, friends, or family. These things will be buried with me, I will keep them secret until the end. And by doing so my heart will never be free to mend. I scream out, but no one is allowed to hear. The sound in my voice is full of fear. I'm Terrified to keep going, but i will not give in. My body is full of hatred, and fear. When you look at me, what do you see in my eyes? please tell me.

Mystery of a Dark Beauty

2009-10-25T02:23:00.002+02:00

She though she'd meet again with her old self...she had said she would be there...
touching the deepest part of their souls. The deepest places unknown or spoken of. Can someone tell us why she is so dark inside? Where are these missing pieces that have been ripped from her? Left behind is this mystery if a dark beauty. Everything she's kept deep inside shines through her eyes but you see all and nothing..just a mystery..it makes you want more...but all there is is darkness and the unknown. She doesn't understand the pain inside..the blood on her hands, She's paralyzed...she cannot escape from it..it pulls, no, drags her in... seeing nothing...no one she knows...looking for a familiar face but she has been forgotten...she's become a shadow.. she is all she know...what do they know? It's all gone buried underneath...somewhere scattered around are the pieces..those missing pieces,,,the mystery of this Dark Beauty is somewhere within...

blaring lights

2009-10-25T02:21:00.003+02:00

I won't ever forget this...I should have seen it coming...blaring lights all around me flashing...opened up and another piece of me has been ripped out. Tearing me down...no one can hear me...bleeding and choking...it's sickening..I'll never forget it all...why can't I forget it ? It all becomes a huge blur makes me sick...making me die slowly inside

Fight Within Herself

2009-10-25T02:14:00.002+02:00

There's an enemy, a familiar frown,
everything is just loud. The truth is there but all you hear are the dark evil voices whispering lies and it just hurts me the inside makes me bleed even more. Everything I have feared...what I'm trying to, what I've said and what I have heard. All of this pain I want it to stop already. Please just end it! But it finds me again. It rages in through my veins. I try to change but I've stayed the same and I still feel the pain. I've gained absolutely nothing. Everyone seems to know how it'll end..but me. I know nothing. I try not to do it, not to fall but it always happens again...pulls me under..breaks me...nothing and everything..what is it? NOTHING! It's pulling me and hurting me again....
breaking me..cutting me...bruising me...
I'm falling apart...

...

2009-05-21T15:51:00.002+02:00

another day has gone by...wanting to move on....and leave...but yet something always holds you back...why?...why can I just get up and leave...fade away into the unknown darkness?...who cares if i have to go alone...i know its something i hate being alone...such loneliness it hurts..but after a while I guess you become immune to it...i don't like it though...i hate the silence i hate the loneliness...please someone come and tell me that they are there for me...it would be nice to see another living soul... a kind soul...there to give me a hug...or even just a couple words...to feel some kind of warmth again...because i feel frozen inside cold...as if I'm not alive...please someone come...is there someone out there?...please come and save me...for i may go insane alone...

so many things that can be said....

2009-05-20T20:35:00.002+02:00

SHUT UP!!!!!...I'm sick of it all all of the crap.!!!! everything people say about me why cant they just all get a life AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MINE?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!? I don't care what you have to say...and if you have to say something then say it TO MY FACE!!...yea I could say some things to you but I won't because I don't want anymore problems...even though you know what is going on why we are doing this...you say things!!!!! it's not cool! Ugh i just feel like screaming!!! I'm sick of it!!!!! WHY DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY THINGS?? TALK ABOUT PEOPLE BEHIND THEIR BACK...THINKING YOUR SO DAM PERFECT...THINKING YOUR SO BETTER THEN US...YOU KNOW SOMETHING NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU SAY SOMETIMES...SOMETIMES THE THINGS YOU SAY ARE JUST NONSENSE!...I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WENT AND OPENED YOUR MOUTH TO OTHERS..I FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHY OTHERS DON'T BELIEVE IN THE "F" WORD no not that "F" word...THE "FRIEND" WORD...it truly hurts...it angered me so much...arrrggggh I want to just go and run or punch something!...ugh i need help i think i might just snap right here...why!...its so frustrating because you try and try so hard to keep your head up and then people say things that hurt you...yea i know i shouldn't let it get to me but when you see how it affects the ones you love...its hard...ugh I'm so mad right now!...so many things people would like to say to you but I'm not going to...

HEADS OR TAILS..

2009-05-20T20:19:00.003+02:00

Looking at life...tears start forming in my eyes...seeing how much has changed over the years...The whole world seems to have changed...whether it is family, friends, yourself, and special someones..just looking at everything its amazing how we can change as we grow up and mature. Some relationships your have with people grow stronger and some just fade away into nothing..but its only life...it changes and we can't loose our faith...right?...never let out guard down...pick up your chin...don't look down...don't runaway...look up...everyday is a new opportunity for life...flip a coin...heads or tails...don't be afraid to face life...take your time...don't be so alone...keep holding on tight...don't look away...keep going...keep fighting...you will see that in the end it will pay off.....

FAKE FRIENDS

2009-05-06T22:00:00.003+02:00

You know something that I really hate is when people talk about you and say things about you when they don't even understand or know what the hell your going through...what things you are doing in order to keep going or move on...it really angered me because I mean when you confide in someone you would expect them to keep it quiet and not go and blab it to others who have no right to know what is going...they have no right to talk about the things I confide in them...are those truly friends? The ones who you trust with and then you find out that they have been talking about you behind your back...saying things that are not even true...you find out that you have been in almost half of everyone conversations...and it really hurts...it felt like a sharp knife...it truly hurt me when I found this out because they don't understand what I'm going through...it's been very hard and I have struggled to keep going and to keep my head up...but when I found out the things they said...about me...about my family...it was like they hit a nerve...a sharp excruciating pain...a shot of pain going through my body...my muscles tensing up and my fists clenching together...so much rage and anger building up inside it feels like a sickening ride...everything spinning...you feel dizzy...you want it to stop spinning but it keeps spinning non stop...what can you do when you find out your "friends" didn't turn out to be REAL friends...?? Can someone explain this to me?

Shadow

2009-04-20T23:11:00.003+02:00

My shadow is going must faster then me...
I don't know what to do...sometimes I think if I'm not alone...I mean from being alone at all...
I guess with time you grow immune to it...will it get the best of me? Lift me up then throw me down? Will it defeat me? Will i learn to get up? After everything I loved was teared from me. I don't know what to do. I stare into the mirror and my reflection is a big blur...out of focus so much..confusing...delusions...waiting for a turn now I can see through it all...hearing warnings that no one sees or hears...must I learn to somehow love the things I am afraid of? Even if it has taken all that I learned to love from me? Maybe I can't or shouldn't...or don't have to hold my head higher than my heart with its feelings...I just hope that I';m not alone...where's the truth? Its fading away too quickly...my shadow is moving...I get to thinking maybe I should move with it too...
I just hope I'm not alone...

When time is gone

2009-04-20T23:04:00.003+02:00

The world can overwhelm and tire you in one hit...seems like nothing can ease my thoughts.
Which way should I run? When its always so many problems. Feeling lost...
A feeling I cannot control anymore....Another day...
some people say it going to be a hell of a day
others say it is to soon to say..
each person asks themselves inside...Am I really string enough for this? When there are many things that each one of us can be proud of..I want to just come out from under your shadow...shake you off for good...but then no onereally knows what is underneath it all.
A single heart...a single heartbeat...what happens when it is gone?
There's a world I have never seen...maybe there is still some hope in my dreams right? But then it could all just blow away...like the leaves in the wind...whirling round and round. But if we wait for it to blow...remember to breath...as the darkness grows darker and darker I'm sinking in it...
reaching out...but for what?
Something that I can hold on to?
What happens when time is gone?...

Live before we die

2009-04-20T22:56:00.002+02:00

I guess we all want to live before we all die of course...like truly live...please i don't want to cry on another cold floor...I don't want to cry myself to sleep once more...could someone open the door and show me how things could have gone. Seems like its taking a long time for them to figure things out...I'm about to break and there were no arms from keeping me from harming me, from protecting me...and now I'm looking...I'm searching back to see now I never ever tried asking for your sympathy, because no one wants to walk with me too far...because they think I might trip along the way...but yet I walk this unknown road...even if I have to walk it alone...it maybe just might turn into something better....

Catch me when I fall

2009-04-20T22:51:00.002+02:00

Why does it feel like rain? Another sad depressing day...
sometimes the answers don't seem to fit in my life. Glass is full but it tastes like crap. Wanting to make a quick decision...I'll cry for a little longer...and I'll try to be stronger even if it is really hard...and I'll see if someone will catch me as I fall...I can't say what I did was wrong because it wasn't...but still you follow me around like a goddamn sing-a-long...anting to let you go as you let a balloon and watch it fly away into the sky and forgotten...so I'll cry for a little more...someone catch me as I fall.

A Horrid Picture

2009-04-20T22:41:00.002+02:00

You can close your eyes...and tell me mean things...you say you'll always be there...it paints a horrid picture...no matter how you frame it...nobody seems to hear...until I scream and shout, even though you tied me down and you have blown my candle out but yet I glow...I'll be the person you'll NEVER know...glowing...I see this girl with so much anger and pain...trying to make peace among the danger. By looking in the mirror...I see that you have taken it way to far but somehow I will manage to lick my wounds and take a bow and just hold my cold hands together...I will glow...you'll never know me ever...I will still glow no matter how you try to break me...still see your piercing eyes looking at me during the night I can still feel your stare...you thinking that I didn't know you were there...but you won't break me...no I won't let you...I will glow on forever.

Wanting to Dream

2009-04-20T22:18:00.002+02:00

Its raining I want to just throw myself into it... run through it feel the rain like small piercing nails...the moon is bright lighting the path I walk...glowing on my face...I'm holding my breath but wanting to just SCREAM! I'm trying to teach myself to try to believe in the things that I truly don't understand. I don't even know if some things are true, is this what dreamers do? Can't recall what day it is today...so lost...but I should not have fear right? Then am I afraid?...
I can't believe what you did...maybe we are not the same..I'm watching the hours go by through this one-way glass. The time finally passing...teaching myself to dream...wanting to learn what love can be...what makes love and keeps it together,,,in all of us...I believe in things that I yet don't understand,,,who knows if they are true. Eyes are shut until the wakening...all your lies will take you under...leaving my mind to just flow...let time go...
...do dreams really come true...

Puppet

2009-04-13T23:20:00.002+02:00

Feel like a puppet in a puppeteer's clammy cold hands... I can feel the pain...so much pain it hurts my soul...someone take me outside...show me things that i don't know. I'm outside cold and alone...someone please let me inside...show me where i have never been...I'm afraid...my curls have twisted into many knots..twist and turn me inside out...show me what happiness and bliss is all about please..i f I wait to just run away..I'll be trapped again for another day...please someone let me in...take me to a place where is unknown to me...show me things i don't know...so much pain...killing my soul...please let me in... can you see me outside alone cold and wet...please some one show me...

A Starving Soul

2009-04-13T23:12:00.002+02:00

you know how they clip a birds wings? that's how I feel..as if they tore my wings apart and just left me there alone...No use in flying because I can't ...can't fly to freedom. My eyes seem to go back to that day...seeing the hurt that was done. beat me instead of them...pain is all i seem to feel. I'll go where secrets are untold...where roses start to unfold...I'll all asleep maybe then time will go by. Is hurting here where i belong dreaming of a happier place, blood on my hands to be strong. the flowers seem to have faded. i don't belong there seems no right way to heal what is wrong. I can't throw up anymore don't even want to try... Why must I cry? My fire is burning out...go ahead KILL my flame without a frown..What do you see a starving soul... hungry for some love and warmth...So i close my eyes once more...can't fly...secrets untold...blood on my hands to make me strong...yea right i don't belong...freedom...dreaming...A starving soul...

Forgotten

2009-04-13T23:06:00.004+02:00

Another normal day...my day just turned to gray...the trace of happiness has been removed...everything seems disapproved or a disappointment..what are we searching for? I feel weak..in the night...is it true what they say? "that the weak ones lose the fight?"..so many feelings...no one seems to are..I'm lost and so alone...left on my own...i have been forgotten...i guess I carry all the blame even though none of it was my fault...want to break the chains that are holding me down..I see, I feel, I believe...just like you do...crying...bruises and cuts I have nothing anymore...I'm frightened of everything...hoping and wishing...but for what? What am I waiting for ? What's wrong with me...so alone...left on my own...forgotten...it shouldn't be this way...
...forgotten...

so misleading

2009-04-09T20:48:00.003+02:00

hating every moment that has to do with you...why do we have to go through this again...i feel like I'm going to throw up...i feel cold and lost and hurt...everything is so confusing...i don't know what to do anymore...I can't believe that you are going to get away with it once again...i can't believe you have cause so much pain to the point where not even she could handle it...I HATE YOU...i know maybe by saying this maybe i might sound like the bad guy but I'm not I'm just expressing how i feel and that is how i feel...i truly do HATE YOU...so much pain you have caused...but yet i cant believe you sort of got away with something you caused pain...you were able to cause pain and that is what angers me the most....i hate seeing her cry...seeing the pain in her eyes...gosh why did u have to be so cruel and then put on your stupid innocent face..i feel like screaming at you...i feel like hitting something..i try to talk but i don't know what to say anymore...i cant believe you...i don't know what happened to...why was it so hard for you to show any respect?!....huh? why? I thought it would all get better since you left but as i see it has only gotten worse and worse....why....? i can't even write anymore...feel sick...

another day

2009-04-08T20:56:00.001+02:00

here i sit another day...another hour gone by....I don't know what to do anymore...i just sit here and think to myself...what now? you managed to get away with something that wasn't right...im looking through this clear looking glass and I want to just go through it...into another world into a happy day...away from the wreckage you have made...I keep dreaming of this because I know I still can...but it seems everytime i close my eyes i seem to still trip...wanting to be free... wanting to go to a place i know...a place i can see those who still care for me...since they both live a little far I miss them dearly I really do...I wish I could get on a plane and just leave go over there and stay there...I feel as if I'm slipping out of my life...but it seems my hand won't go to this other side...my fingers seem to be locked together...not wanting to let go...the glass feels cold...i can taste the tears...cold and salty....but i just try to lose my eyes and drift off into sleep and dream of this place where i can call home seeing their warm smiling faces once again...feeling the warm embrace of a hug...but when I try to go to sleep and dream...but my eyes they don't close...closing the curtains and left in darkness...will someone tell me it will be Ok?....come and warm my spirit for it has gone cold...and help me wait for another day....

Getting away with it once again...

2009-03-30T15:09:00.003+02:00

Once again you have managed to mess everything up and get away with it... i literally can just imagine you there with a smirk on your face...knowing that your going to get away with it...you know what she is going to do for you is pointless...she's going to break her back for you once again....you are NOT worth it at all....you never were...sadly she cannot see that...that hurts me because of you I am suffering ... I hate feeling like this but the more I try to be happy you somehow manage to bring me down...I know i shouldn't let your problems bring me down...but its hard not to ignore the problems when they affect me...when they involve me too...I HATE YOU...i do for everything you have done...everything you have caused...for what you have done.. i cant believe this...people have come up to me and have said they feel sorry for me because of you...will I miss you? they ask me this...the answer to this question is a dead NO!...i will not miss you ever...why the heck would I? everything is just crap with you...you aren't going to change...all you have done is hurt and cause pain...right now I feel so much anger inside me...I feel like I'm starring far out into the ocean...the bottomless sea of problems because of you...slowly bringing me under.... .... I don't know what else to say... I feel so sick...

We are Bruised

2009-03-28T23:37:00.004+01:00

Trying to keep up...the pace is too fast...there are certain things we must face in life...don't stop
don't ever slow down for fear that you'll stop and not move on. If you stop it is such a lonely place to be. In life everyone of us goes up and down...but then feel like we haven't moved at all...some of us hurt...some of bruised...some think that they are destined to lose...but why let it fall and let it take over us? If they would look at me in the face...they would see in my eyes pain but yet I'm still running after the prize..I'm not going to let that hope burn out..not having a hand to hold...I don't know what lies ahead..we can be bruised..but don't think that you are destined to lose because if you chose not to do it alone then you'll get through it...don't let it fall...live your life...try to leave the pain and I know sometimes this is very difficult to do...if you've made mistakes its OK none of us are perfect but the thing we can do is learn from them. Run...go...only you can decide..
We may be bruised and if you do it alone you won't be able to get through it trust me. We all have the strength to get through we just might not think it or see it...

Don't ever think that WE...

that YOU are destined to lose...

Because none of us are...

Unless YOU choose it to be.

What went wrong?

2009-03-28T23:23:00.003+01:00

An empty space...this rain falls alone tonight and no one has ever felt like this before...I mean what went wrong? with him? With us? With the family? It's so sad to see us divided because of him. I feel as if I'm inside a broken box...watching as the crack grows bigger and wider as time passes...hoping time will set me free from here. Suddenly I see myself on a crowded street with a lonely stare...a thousand miles of pain in between...what went wrong? Why did it happened?I feel like an apology is needed...but do I have to or does he? Every letter that I have ever written has stayed with me...all the promises have been broken..everything all the small pieces..everything stays with me. Everything he has done will stay with me forever no matter how hard i try to forget...so close but yet so far away from happiness...the empty space seems to grow bigger...everything black and white; the joy of the color has disappeared. No one has ever felt like this before...what went wrong? Why is there this empty space?

Sickening Rollercoasters.

2009-03-28T06:15:00.002+01:00

A girl living in a small town wondering what to do..everyday its the same routine...everyday is the same crap...wondering if there is something more for her out there. Can there be something better for her out there? Not knowing what life is about...everyday same old crap...She tries to forget it all but it slowly starts building up more and more suffocating her inside...slowly closing in on her...not knowing what to do anymore...She feels cold, lost, confused and hurt inside...wanting to just run...run from the pain and the crap but it seems to catch her no matter how fast she runs..not matter how fast she tries to run from it all. She wants to smile but she can't bring herself to smile...when she does put on a smile is it real? Is she really happy? Does she feel different inside from what she appears to be on the outside? She wants to be happy...it feels like a sickening roller coaster ...even though she has her seat belt fastened tightly she feels sick and unsafe. She wonders if someday everything will truly be fine someday. She sometimes wants to give up and cry when her world is coming down...But others tell her to be strong and keep her head up because she is special...she's truly a unique person inside and out...but sometimes she herself doesn't believe it...even though she wants to..she wants everything to be fine..she keeps hoping and wishing for this to become reality.

Starry Night

2009-03-28T06:05:00.002+01:00

I can see the highways from up here everything looks so small and little...I think that is how I feel...I've gone through so much..just had to much of it...where have I been? Where am I? I feel like the starry night is growing darker and closer around me and those beautiful bright shinning stars are disappearing one by one. I guess everyone of us in someway is looking for something or someone that will take away for the pain even if just for a bit...take away the pain we feel inside...something that will heal the cuts and the bruises. Everything that has happened has happened so fast...its too much...that one cannot ignore anymore...Feels like your getting closer physically but mentally the solution seems so far away. I can feel everything coming down on me..I'm falling...can I get up off the ground again? Does anyone hear me screaming and yelling in the inside? I got to get up...I have to breathe again...but how?....

Bring The Rain

2009-03-28T05:48:00.002+01:00

Today took a road..an unwinding road taking me to new places..some places I wish I didn't have to go. In the blink of an eye everything changed before me changed just like that. Why hold on to some of these things? Can someone explain why?...I try to forget...try to read between the lines see beyond its meaning and find out what is real. I try to look inside and see what I'm feeling inside... maybe I can find a way out? Not feel so down and alone... A door that has been unopened and will lead me the right way... away from all the pain...find a way out..It rains it thunders it looks so gray when I go through it all. Every day seems to be a shade of gray. Could I just find out where to start..is there something that everyone knows that I don't know? Today I went on my own...felt like I couldn't move a muscle not knowing...stepping outside...just to breathe...find a way out...maybe this is the way. My eyes are slowly getting the brightness in them. Bring the rain now..I'm slowly wrapped up in everything...i know I can make it out I have the strength too. I just need to give it a little time right? I want to let them know I can...I want to let myself know I can...i can hear the thunder and the rain wanting to come back.

NEVER CARED

2009-03-23T22:30:00.002+01:00

Today was a BAD day...my head feels like its going to explode!...I'm so frustrated with everything...I don't know what to do...I'm sick of all of your crap...everything is ridiculous..everything I do seems to backfire at me...seeing you today standing before the judge...and hearing you say things that were untrue...made my skin cringe....made my blood boil.....I hate you!...Why didn't you leave me alone...why did you pull us apart huh? why? There is so much rage inside me right now...you need serious help you do... you cant keep running forever...you truly need some physiological help or something because everything has gone far enough..I can't believe the pain you have caused..didn't you think? don't you care? I guess the answer is obvious that you didn't care...you NEVER did...my hands shake as I write this..sometimes I just cry because of the pain...the frustration...I'm so hurt...I try to be strong and brave but sometimes I just can't anymore I want someone to tell me its going to be alright but sometimes I don't even know anymore...i feel lost and confused...Why did i have to go through this?...What did i do? All I ever did was care and try to help you out...but then again this isn't the first time you have screwed me over...I guess that what you are good at putting on your stupid innocent face and having people feel sorry for you and they help you and then what do you do? you screw them over too. I feel so down right now i don't know what to do. I feel like crying but I have no tears left..I feel like screaming but my voice is gone...i feel like hitting something but what good will that do...ugh this sucks...forgive and forget god how that is so hard to do...it truly is...I try to forget it but it always somehow creeps back in...you always seem to cause problems and remind me of these dark things i have tried to forget and leave in the past...I'm so lost and confused and hurt...but I guess you never cared and you never will...i hope that someday you will realize the mistakes you have done and change and remember of all the times i tried helping you but you refused...I feel sorry for you i truly do.

NO ONE CARES

2009-03-21T01:30:00.004+01:00

The fears that i always feared are all becoming real one at a time...everything I concealed inside is coming out and it feels as if my heart will stop..losing the choice of life is what you have done..but you will see that I maybe lost another life because of what you have done seems like you killed me. If you teared it all up...now no one cares...don't wake me up let me sleep and never wake up... I can't believe you..one at a time I watched you hurt everyone every single time I watched you cause pain...I can't even look at you or even hearing your name makes me cringe..I've forgotten who you really are..you are a monster...you are hurting yourself and others...now who cares for you? D you think they do? they don't give a crap about you! You saw that the other day when they beat you! You call that love!? You call that family? You call that caring?? We care ! We loved you! We were always there for you! But you don't care....right now I don't care! I feel like there's a FIRE burning inside me ....can someone put it out please before if sinks into me...I feel like screaming at you! WHY!? I feel such rage inside me the things I heard you say brought horror to me...I can't believe the things you said...you would do...it makes me sick and angry and I just want to scream at you in your face. One at a time I saw you tear this family up...you've lost it...you've thrown your life away!...You have torn us apart....NO ONE CARES!... GO LEAVE..I DON'T CARE ANYMORE...I HATE YOU...YOU MAKE ME SICK...I'VE FORGOTTEN WHO I AM NOW...I WANT TO JUST GO TO SLEEP AND PLEASE DON'T WAKE ME....TILL SOMEONE REALLY CARES OK...BUT GUESS WHAT NO ONE CARES! NO ONE....I NEED TO PUT OUT THIS FIRE OUT....END THIS FIGHT AND FORGET YOU...YOU BROKEN EVERYTHING....YOU'VE TEARED EVERYTHING..I'M GOING TO TRY TO REPAIR IT. BUT NO ONE CARES...IT'S OBVIOUS THAT YOU DON'T GIVE A DAM EITHER...YOU DON'T CARE ANYMORE YOU HAVE DONE IT ALL....NO ONE CARES.

Burning away

2009-03-21T01:03:00.003+01:00

OK listen to this when I say everything you have done now...your life goes on so undefined why must you be so miserable and make life harder and miserable for all of us? All you do is take and take and take... you don't realize how much pain and suffering you cause. I can feel the spring rain on my skin and it slowly washes away what I feel...the rains hides the tears that I'm crying. By the way you have officially lost it all...all faith is gone..every little piece of it is gone. I slowly blend away into the background I'm not there anymore..your the one who turned away..turn your back to your own family and for what? Just tell me for what? What good did it all do? Nothing really you tore our family up...your tore up YOUR family..and for what? What good did it all do? You turned away..your going to fall.... a long fall that you will fall... I can't believe you!....I mean why did you have to do that to us? Under the rain I can feel everything burning away...slowly burning away...I'm slowly burning away..fading and blending into the background..I just don't get it why why did you? You slowly tore this family apart...why couldn't you just leave and leave us be? I'm aching inside...I try to catch my breath and see is I'm not just having a nightmare but once I catch my breath I realize that its all real...its really happening and that scares the crap out of me...I feel numb and weak...i feel as if a knife was just stabbed into me...your officially lost..you turned away...the rain hides the tears that I'm crying now..why did you cause me so much pain huh? why? I'm slowly burning away...everything burning in sight...you turned away.

Changing is not impossible

2009-03-11T22:04:00.003+01:00

Right now I want to just take everything and put it all back everything....everything I ever felt and put it back again. To be the person I used to be...I know she's there waiting for me...for me to return. Every word I seem to speak just rolls off my lips...just say everything out loud even if no one listens to what I'm saying...what I'm feeling...I write down everything I feel with every stroke of my pen on my notebook I get rid of some of the feeling...I let it all out...when I write I can't stop...it;s the way I express myself..sometimes I look back to what I've written and I hate it sometimes because the same feelings come creeping back all over again...you know when you just try to be happy but something always pops up to ruin your day? When this happens I just try to ignore it and not let it affect me. I'm laying on the floor and just thinking about everything....so much has changed...some for the better and some for the worst...its like the way everything has changed sometimes weren't fair...many tears cried...every night my mind flashes backs to the past...sometimes I can't believe how everything has changed...sometimes I want to say just stop pretending already!...Its all like a bad dream that i can't wake up from..I can see that you have given up and stopped trying...well that you...but me I want more I still want to try to get past this...I've lost a lot...but I don't believe that this is all...no I won't believe the words that you say anymore..I'm going to try and get through this..please don't pretend you care anymore cause I don't believe you anymore...I may not know where to begin but I fight the bad memories away...its not impossible...i will try hard to get through this.

Missing you

2009-03-05T22:37:00.003+01:00

I wish this could be a happy poem but right now my happiness has disappeared the moment I got a phone call saying you had passed away...when I found out that you were gone. I don't think I ever truly believe that something like this would happen...I knew the day could come but I believed that you would get better...I never believed that that day would come so soon. Now all I'm feeling is sadness, lost, and numbness. I know I promised you if anything did happen to keep going on and try not to be too sad. But it's hard because we are all truly missing you. I'm very thankful for the good times we spent together. This is a lesson for all of us to be thankful for everyday we have because today we are here and tomorrow we could be gone. But yet I feel sad because I lost such a great friend...all of our wonderful memories right now are making me fall apart because I'm going to miss the things we always did. It feels like someone ripped the ground from under me. I know I promised that I wouldn't be sad and cry but yet I find myself crying...it's really hard because I miss you and its killing me inside....remembering when we would go camping, fishing, play a round of cribbage, the occasional BBQ...but my happiness disappeared when I heard the news...please someone tell me that I'm dreaming... tell me this isn't real...that it is not happening...please tell me it isn't as it seems...please can I just wake up and realize it was just a bad dream..that it is fiction...a lie...please say he didn't really die...no please this can't be happening...I miss you...wish I could heart your voice...your heartful laugh once more...or one of your many jokes...or one more day of fishing for hours....I loved you like a father...you were a great friend...I miss you.

In Loving Memory Of
Bruce Kunze

PURE STUPIDITY SATURATED SELFISHNESS

2009-02-28T20:44:00.006+01:00

Today...i woke up to a phone call..more crap...it truly pissed me off and angered me what i heard..the desperation in her voice not knowing what to do...what kind of person are YOU?...I mean come on seriously your actions are pure STUPID!...I mean come on do YOU even think???? The danger that you are putting her, your unborn baby, and son...I can't believe YOU!....seriously YOU disgust me...okay if you don't have the guts to take responsibility of your life and your actions after everything you have been through...then wow you are just plain... plain... I don't even think there is a proper word to describe YOU. I mean come on sometimes I wonder what the heck you are thinking leaving your wife the woman carrying your unborn daughter at home by herself you not only hurt her physically but emotionally and mentally...and to do what?? Go get drunk as hell...go partying...with other women...do drugs...I can't even speak to YOU...okay you say you want your freedom?? Well maybe you should have though about that before getting married...when you yourself said you wanted to change and that you would trade the I's for US...for you two. And now I heard this and I felt sick and angered and sad. Because we have tried helping you as much as we could possibly because we all care about you and seeing you slowly destroy you self little by little is something painful for them...for us...you say you wanna live your crazy life?? That this is who you are and that you won't change...that YOU won't ever change...cause of course your a so called VATO LOCO for life...right? Well that's just a bunch of crap...Okay fine go live your crazy life but leave me alone.....let her go instead of keeping her lock inside like some freaking animal in a box...she's a human for god sake! and then you tell her to go to hell and to stay out of your business?? really what kind of person are YOU? How the heck can you tell your wife this woman who put up with your crap and your problems and the one who said yes to you the one who committed to a marriage with you...and think about your son and your daughter...you are a man now you aren't a little boy anymore okay? YOU have to take responsibility for you actions...seriously this is just RIDICULOUS...I just don't know how you can be so stupid and do that stuff and the things you are involved in it isn't game.....its something serious...you think it's a game but in this world people won't play by your rules...no everything is taken seriously here...wake up open your eyes and see...think for once about what your actions will do....I have done all I can...I can't do anything...it you and your life...but what pains me is that she suffers and mostly my nephew he shouldn't have to go though that....it kills me that I can't do anything to help because I can't control your actions nor your outbursts of rage...I'm truly pissed off and hurt...hearing these things because I think to myself " HAVEN"T YOU LEARNED ANYTHING?" Obviously not because your in the same crap again...and seems like your not going to change...okay if you aren't going to change then at least let her go...because your not only harming yourself but your harming her, your baby, and you son and me....so many lies you have spoken...everything you said was a lie....lies lies lies...nothing but a big tangled web of lies....I really don't understand YOU.....I don't....I can't believe how dumb and stupid you are being....I truly don't understand...we have tried helping you and we have let things slide we have put up with a lot of your crap... but this is too much. I'm not going to try anymore...I'm done...yes I AM DONE....all you have cause is pain and suffering to all...every single day is some other crap with you....so go just LEAVE GO LIVE YOUR LIFE YOU WANT! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE...BUT KNOW THIS THAT I ALWAYS CARED FOR YOU AND I ALWAYS TRIED TO HELP I HAD FAITH IN YOU....WHEN NO ONE ELSE BELIEVED I DID...I WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU IN THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE SAD TIMES...SO ALL I HAVE TO SAY TO YOU NOW..IS ...THAT YOU ARE TRULY SELFISH AND JUST LEAVE US ALONE... GO LEAVE...GO LIVE YOUR CRAZY LIFE YOUR VATO LOCOS ARE WORTH NOTHING...THAT WON'T HELP YOU OUT IN THE END...YOU'LL SEE AND YOU'LL REMEMBER ME...YOU'LL REMEMBER THE WORDS I TRIED TO TELL YOU HOW I TRIED TO HELP YOU BUT YOU REFUSED...THAT'S YOUR OWN PROBLEM...BECAUSE WE HAVE ENDURED SO MUCH FOR YOU...BUT NOT ANYMORE...
YOU KNOW WHAT...I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE I'M SHAKING BADLY FROM IT....

Staring into the mirror

2009-02-28T07:38:00.002+01:00

I stare into this mirror...does the mirror tell you who you truly are? Does it define you?
The mirror has told me who I am....something I have learned is that being perfect is impossible because none of us are...
I'm sorry but YOU don't own me and your words that you say won't define me ever...I'm not going to let you own me you won't.
Who are you to tell me I'm less then what I am? Who are you to say those things? Who are you? Because I don't even know who you are anymore. I won't listen to you anymore no I'm not going to anymore...why should I?
In this mirror I look into my eyes and see the old me there inside me wanting to come out...I see her...why won't she come out?
What's holding her back? I still stare into the mirror and I try to see a new reflection...try to find the old me...I know she's in me somewhere....I will not let YOU hurt me again I won't ever...I need to open up my hands...press my face to the ground...just forget...just go to sleep...but that's the problem I can't sleep...i don't know what to do....

2009-02-28T06:32:00.002+01:00

I am broken.
I am bruised.
I've been used.
I've been hurt.
But even so with my last breath I will not scream at you no I will not yell at you...
What is the good in that?
The past hides dark secrets that haunt me still...at night sometimes I stay up because I can't sleep...I stay up for hours...
Why must I go through this pain?? Why can't I forget it all? Why why? Why must we remember everything including the worst ones...the ones you want to forget why are they the ones that you remember the most? Just wanting it to fade away...forget it all...but something seems to get in the way...every time I see you I get chills going down my spine...I feel cold...and to think that you don't think I remember what you have done...but sadly I remember everything....even thought I have tried to forget and cover these deep wounds...I'm scarred inside...I still ask my self why? I guess I'll never know why...
I am broken.
I am bruised.
I've been hurt.
But even so I will move on...bruised and scarred I will go on...watch me.

Going to ignore you for good

2009-02-28T06:03:00.002+01:00

Right now I am ignoring you...
I'm going to ignore you...
Because your actions and your heart has turned cold
Don't bring me your problems...
Don't bring me your attitude...
Please just don't drown me in your bad mood...
I'm not going to let you lock me up...
Nope you will not keep me quiet and tied...no I will not let you.
I'm ignoring you..
I will ignore you...
I'm not going to sit here and wait for someone to come along and save me...
I know that I have to be strong and do it myself...
And this time I will be free of you....
...Goodbye...

"I can take it in but I can also dish it out"

2009-02-28T05:19:00.003+01:00

Remembering your heart-full laugh...under the hot sun...having a great time...many memories we made...you always saying I can take it in but I can also dish it out...then one day something was dished out at you and you were able to take it in but this you can't beat it...only a couple months to live...seeing you grow thinner and thinner...weaker and weaker...but even so you haven't lost your humor nor that heart-full laugh...you have been so strong and I admire that...you have such courage...its amazing...we still have such wonderful memories still play a round of cribbage...I have always loved you as a father and I will miss you...we all will...we'll miss your smile, your humor, your jokes, your love, and your wisdom. But your advice I will take and remember forever..I promise..

2009-02-24T01:23:00.002+01:00

I'm tired of feeling this same old feeling.....speaking words in every kind of way to try to get my point across...sometimes I want to just close my eyes together...looking for a escape...maybe find that secret garden everyone reads about...maybe the only sign is in front of us....behind the shadows...sometimes I go to sleep dreaming of tomorrow.....of the place when everything will be fine. Wanting to just dive into the pool I don't care if the water's cold...I go to sleep and wake up sick...i walk through the crowds...look through the window into the unknown...wanting to ditch everything...you really thought I'd be the only one who would be ditched?? Really?? I just want to let go....forget it...I really miss the ones I love....I miss how we used to be...its like a movie where everyone is sad....wanting to just sleepwalk into the dream...i want to learn to open my eyes and see...but then you want to just turn off the lights and lay in the darkness...a couple tears down my face...could it just rain so no one can see my tears? ...what's beyond the darkness??...gotta learn to blend into this mess ....keep letting it all go all of the crap...seems I'm lost in this place...where am I?? ...

Bricks

2009-02-19T07:17:00.002+01:00

Some people encourage to to do your best and other say words that are like bricks...they say words that are meant to weigh you down so that they can feel little higher...swim a little higher while you struggle and drown. Some think that their way is better and the best of them all but either way its just like that brick that weighs you down. So what should I do with this bag full of bricks, sticks and stones, and hurtful words that have stuck with me day after day. Can I let go? Remove it..let it go slowly...remove brick by brick...forget the words that they have said. We must believe in the person we can truly be right? Many people add a brick. If we start to compare we find out that we fall short somewhere...but hey that's because we are humans we are not perfect..its always true...but if we see where we fall we can break down this wall...Instead of teaching ourselves to walk away we have learned to crawl. What will you do with that bad of sticks and stones, bricks and hurtful words? We should believe in ourselves more...even if others don't...try to be unique..be ourselves instead off trying to conform with what they want us to be...to be someone we are not. We should defy what they tell us..don't believe the words and the lies they tell us..If we are brave enough we can believe in what we truly are...lets just let it go...all of those bricks throw them away...throw them far away from you.

Nothing to Lose

2009-02-18T15:38:00.002+01:00

This is who I am...this is me...I'm not the beauty queen or the girl that shows up in glamour magazines or Ms. Popularity...I'm not that girl...I am me....I am not that kind of girl I'm not going to be someone that isn't me...I do want to be real though....find out the girl I truly am...I know that I'm going to find my way...I'll find my voice and take a stand. I am who I am who I am this is me...I'm not going to be like that doll that you put in a box and lock up forever...why do you expect me to be someone that I am not? Because I am not going to be someone that I'm not. I'm going to be REAL and be the TRUE me. Newsflash for you I don't care if you don't give me your approval for not being someone else then me...I'm not going to act like someone that I'm not...so go ahead...I've got nothing to lose...I don't care anymore...look down on me all you want...but I won't be there...compare me all you want to those I'm nothing like...I haven't got anything to prove to you...so what is there to lose? I'm going to find out who I am find my voice and speak loud and clear...make it be heard...I'll find my way you'll see.

I'll Be Okay

2009-02-18T06:10:00.002+01:00

So many things going through my head...I can't even pick out which ones are truly mine...I don't know were those thoughts start and where they end. Sometimes I wish there was a button to just shut it all off for a little while and just catch my breath...and that will maybe let me know that I'll be okay..it will one day turn out okay...so many things that need to get done I don't even know what's more important anymore... Where my needs start and where yours end. I'm scared of letting anybody down because I feel like I just fall down if I do...can someone just say that it will be okay? This life can be hard on all of us...with problems, sickness, and the worst of them all DEATH..lets just try to forget these problems for a little while...just take a small break...cause the problems will all still be there...I always try to solve my problems but every now and then I just let them go...why not? Everything will soon be okay right? For those who are having a bad day and those who aren't feeling the best today we all don't know what's coming...what's around the corner. It's always easier to believe in someone else then yourself. But if you hope for me I'll hope for you and both of us can make it through alright...you'll see.

Living Life

2009-02-17T06:51:00.002+01:00

Living in a life that only destroys your dreams thinking to myself why regret keeps haunting me. Want to change the ways of counting every single day...these days that seem to just go and fade away...think of the day when its all gone...when the hour glass falls will I have more then this to show for it all or will I wake up live my dreams instead of letting this nightmare take control of me? Live today as if it was your last day...don't want to move on to the next day wishing you could rewind and go back and do it differently. Do something with your life go ahead stand up and do something. Can't help wondering if there is more like that dream ....some are just smoking, drinking, living life on the edge"... then ask could have, would have, should have been what could have your life have been if you hadn't done things like that was it really worth it? Today you are not that has been but when you look back will you have regrets? Are you okay with how you have lived if tomorrow were to be the last day? Don't want to wish and go back to live it differently...don't want to want to look through this future lens and regret something...of course we all are scared and we all wonder what is out there for us so we are frozen going though so many emotions. Decide whether you are going to stand and raise your head...with no regrets...will you have any? Do something good with you live.. live you life.

Fall

2009-02-17T00:32:00.002+01:00

We sometimes fall...we all let ourselves down sometimes...all that is left to do is live through what has been done and no don't think that you are the only one who has made a mistake and has fallen...we all fail sometimes for we are humans and aren't perfect. Maybe we have even let someone down...sometimes there is nothing left but to just promise that the next time we shall not fail. I'd like to tell you that we can go on all of us...many new beginnings come from an ending. You must still believe in you even if no one else does..must believe in us...believe in you...in those who have failed and have fallen... believe in them.

Paint brushes and Roller coasters

2009-02-13T17:37:00.003+01:00

Okay i guess you've got your mind made up... right? You have.... we have a voice of our own each one of us does...you can go any place you please to.. the road can lead you down anywhere heck it can even lead you to a ghost town if you really want to. I hope what you choose is what you truly want to be. Sometimes for me it is and sometimes it ain't. But that doesn't stop me. Life is like a roller coaster it fills you with such thrills but at the same time it goes up and down, upside down, left, right, up down and then loops left..only you can chose...you hold the paintbrush only you can create the picture you want. Only you can no one else...only you can see where the colors start to blend. Your the one who chooses the way. Whatever you choose that will be the price you pay so chose wisely. You can live your own life we are all living our own life. No certain destination is set for us...nope not even you...so take a step forward go ahead...take that pain brush and paint your picture you want. People will try to stop you ...they'll try to take your paintbrush away and try to black it out...take your faith away but you have to be strong....come on head up and take your step and stand strong.

Stone Tears

2009-02-13T15:46:00.002+01:00

Tears we cry for those we love, for those who hurt us, for those who hate us...they can feel like stone tears. I know the tears I've cried and cry are stone tears. They feel cold and heavy as they stream down my face. Heavy as stones...trying to push myself through the crowd...keep them from hiding myself behind my hair looking down to the ground another day. Maybe today I'll push through the crowd....I need sometime to get away and get these stone tears out...cry them all not but it seems that these stone tears never end...maybe this time I won't stop and I'll find my way...away....take me away...

The Truth Of What You Have Become

2009-02-13T15:39:00.002+01:00

Somebody hold me....suddenly I'm feeling cold and sad. You've said we are both the same...I believe you are wrong for I could never do the things you've done to me....but I will be strong...
I'll fight back...with time you will eventually fade in the background right? Into the nothing you have become and are. The mistakes and the choices you have made will hunt you down you'll see...they will catch up to you and you will fall straight to the ground....you will remember me and the things you have done...your weakness will break you and do you in....hitting rock bottom...but I'm not worried for I know the truth....yes the truth I hold...the truth of it all...it is on my side and seem like you have hit the ground and that is not my fault.

BAd Day

2009-02-13T00:53:00.004+01:00

I've had a bad day...it seemed like forever...nothing seemed to go the way I wished it did. I've got a killer headache don't want to think about it. Every time I want to smile I seem to start crying so instead I just hide my face behind my dark brown curls. I've had a bad day don't want to talk about it nor think about it. But I'll be fine..just got to hang on right? Nothing will stop me...I'm strong...I'm the only one who can stand up and make a change right ? I really don't want to fight anymore. I want to live my life...make it through alright....I hope.. I just want to shout about it but when I turn around I find out that I'm alone again. I had a bad day...but I guess I could laugh about it right? When I get lonely...I feel light like when your floating in water...nothing seems real....but I should be above it right? I can only make the change...I'm strong....I'll keep going and holding on...no one... no no one will stop me from getting there....for I am strong and nothing will hold me back.

Cobwebs

2009-02-12T15:46:00.002+01:00

There's always a chance that I won't repeat lessons I have learned...of course I might make some same mistakes...I can't pretend I'm perfect cause I'm not. No need to point it out more...yes I've fallen because of you...broken my legs so now I'm just standing motionless...when these pains ease down I'll quit holding on...I'll just run right on...part of me is scared to death and face the truth...can you see I'm broken wide open? I can barely breath...survival...keeps me hanging on...afraid of letting go...afraid of being alone..afraid of giving up...afraid..yet still hanging onto the threads.

A dream that was real

2009-02-12T00:46:00.002+01:00

I drifted off to sleep at about 3:30 last night with the notebook and pen still in my hand. I drifted in and out of sleep dreaming of a better place at first. Had dream but it was all foggy in my head...better days...love of all mankind..spoke with people can't remember what they said though. We can be powerless sometimes yet we still live our lives ever day. I drifted deeper into sleep...heard gunshots....I heard some one say " so young and yet so full of life"...had a dream it was all foggy thoughts though...gunshots....I woke up with tears in my eyes.

Endless Line

2009-02-12T00:20:00.002+01:00

My time is still going...You've been through a lot....can you hear me calling? This line is point straight at you. It's your own actions and your own decisions. I'm living my life straight unlike you. You can call that on me and I'll guard myself just wait and see. You will see because I have started brand new unlike you it is still a sickening game to you...but I'm living my life straight...you've got your mind made up it seems it doesn't change...I think about when this world ...When I have seen its better days.

I Cannot

2009-02-12T00:07:00.002+01:00

I'd be lying if I said I felt nothing. I could be proving you right with my silence. Am I letting you win without my reaction? How can I explain? I can't...I cannot be confused or mislead one more time. Would I be whining if I said I needed a hug? How can I complain? I cannot complain. I cannot help but wonder why you do this...you think your the right one...the charmed one...how can you live w such conviction? And who do you think you are? To question things you have no right to? To question me? Why do you affect me? Why do you affect me still? Why do you hinder me? Why do you make my blood boil? Why do trigger my anger?? Why do you bother?

Pebble

2009-02-12T00:00:00.002+01:00

Where am I tonight?
I'm fighting against the feeling that is tearing at me...its a dark and painful one. What I would give to get rid of it and beat this feeling that slowly tears at me...I would walk a great distance to be freed from it...someone once told me they would want to be as if drugged to the point of numbness...I guess then you wouldn't feel anything no pain, no anger, no sadness, nothing. Here I pick up a small pebble and cast it into the water watching the ripples grow and fade outward...someday I hope my pain will be like those ripples..just keep fading away..rippling away until they are completely gone.

Another Day

2009-02-11T23:51:00.003+01:00

Another day...the sun is slowly creeping in and I can't hide beneath the covers no more...Another day I have read these words many times before. Here it comes again I can feel it...same old feeling....feeling the same way over again...thinking the same thoughts again and again...no matter how much I wish not to and just pretend I don't but I do. Another day when I can't seem to find my mind..when my feet seem to have a mind of its own. Hoping and trying to be able to stand straight on the floor...I seem to feel the same way. Sometimes I wonder how I go into the unknown but somehow find my way back...I go out searching for what is lost...but still haven't found it...maybe in the end I'll find it once again and not feel this same old feeling again.

I don't know why

2009-02-11T23:40:00.002+01:00

Here I lay waiting for the sun to rise...don't ask me why...because I don't even know why...I don't know why I didn't just fall asleep...and dreamed away..here I wait I can see the sun wanting to kiss the sun good morning. When a new day comes I wish I cold just fly away...instead of falling straight to the ground...catching the tears in my hand My heart is beating slow beats...but somehow everything is on my mind...forever...its like a bottomless sea...its keeps going and it's never ending...just wanting to run down the street all alone...something makes me want to run. The sound of my feet are like the beating of a drum. I don't know why I didn't just go to sleep...I don't know why I can't sleep.

Rainy Days

2009-02-10T00:53:00.001+01:00

Rainy days are gray
It sounds like the beating of a drum
It taste of salt- saltiness
Smells if wet mud- dampness
Rainy Days make you feel gloomy and cold

I wish

2009-02-10T00:47:00.002+01:00

I wish..
that we don't have to lose the ones we love
that one day we won't have to suffer
that one day everyone will love each other
the wars will someday end
that all the hate and violence will someday end
that one day all the sadness and pain will vanish and be gone forever
that the pain I feel inside will one day leave
the numbness will regain feeling
that someday I'll understand why...

Control

2009-02-10T00:16:00.002+01:00

Here I find myself on a one-way road...only a couple dim lights to lead me on...there I stand...turn my music on....the song slowly starting...the beat slowly taking over my mind and body...release and out of control...As I run forward my shadow is the only one who has my back...I'm the only one on this one-way road but I don't care I don't mind being the only one on the road...running and running...Life or death...its either one...they can say what they what but they ain't better they me...we disagree and that's all we ever will do....so I don't mind being here on this dark road running through the darkness not knowing whats there...not knowing what could be hiding behind the dark shadows...maybe I'll find myself ...there.... its all messed up...in pain and hurt....running and running until I go numb cause of the cold wind brushing against my face...I try not to be hearing what they say...cause it all ain't true its all a bunch of crap... if you would only leave me alone and go away..please...just go...you mad at me for living my life straight and staying outta trouble...that ain't my problem...that's your own...don't talk about me behind my back...if you got something to say say it to my face...feel my pain...you just fronting hard...as if we don't know who you really are..go head talk..I'm listening...take it all...risk it all...I'm listening say it to my face...go ahead...say it...if you can leave messages disrespecting...then come and say it to my face...just leave me alone and go away...I'm outta control can't take it anymore sometimes. So I just run and run and I'll keep running to out run the pain for a little while...going through the darkness....darkness...control.....run.... run....pain....numb.....go AWAY.

Counting the Minutes

2009-02-02T23:48:00.002+01:00

Laying here wide awake...counting the minutes...the hours..waiting for the sun to rise and kiss the sky good morning. I'm already thinking about the day ahead..what needs to be done, what I have to do, where I need to go and such....making plans in my head already to stop the numbing, aching feeling...to get my mind off it...already fighting and encountering thoughts that are a thousand miles away...just have to have something to do to distract me..of everyday life...sometimes I find an excuse to be alone and just get away...to be alone and think...without having someone try to bring me down...trying to break me ...but I won't let you...no...I find myself staring out the window...thinking...of everything...trying to get through the through the maze of rights and wrongs...I look into the mirror and don't recognize the girl staring back. I see sadness, pain, and anger in her eyes...I don't recognize her. My head is screaming hate....shame...I hope I get out this....I'm sick of it all...still counting the minutes...the hours until the sun comes up...once more another day to live..count the minutes and hours until the sun goes down and out comes the moon kissing the sky goodnight...another night of reckless sleep...of not being able to sleep...juts laying here wide awake counting the minutes and hours until the sun rises again.

Color Blind

2009-01-30T22:25:00.004+01:00

Why do some people discriminate? It doesn't matter what color or race we are we are all the same...we are all human beings. It doesn't matter if we black, white, yellow, blue, brown or red... it doesn't matter...we all should feel love for one another no matter the color. I just don't understand how other have "fun" discriminating on as they call the different ones just because of their color or race. What good does that do? What good comes out in doing that? I think it's just pointless and wrong. We are all the same. We all have to live our lives...it doesn't matter...we are all the same till the end. Love is color blind...it doesn't see colors...all that matters in the end is to understand one another and that we are all the same. So why discriminate? take a chance...step up...tell it to the world..tell every person to be proud of themselves. We all as good as anybody else...so out away...no THROW away your prejudice and discrimination...open your eyes and your mind. try to make this world with out a racial view...its time for change...we all have to step up and make a change...it doesn't matter we have to be color- blind....we are all the same...let's be color blind...
Love is color blind.

Look Where We Are Now

2009-01-30T21:31:00.002+01:00

I guess you could say I need a break from life....a break from everything...everyday its the same there is no change. I just want to step out of the same old routine and have the warm light shine on me. I just want to laugh so hard till I have tears in my eyes..but look at where we are now...look at where we stand now...I'd rather just go somewhere...I want to just hang out with my friends and have a good time but you seem to always just nag the whole time...I just want to do this without your nagging...I want to just let go of everything...but look at where we are now...Life sometimes just happens so fast and sometimes it just goes so slow. If I could just change direction it would be so nice but look at where we are now..is that possible?

Breathing Nite Air

2009-01-29T23:30:00.003+01:00

At night I can't breath as easy as I did before. No one even notices or listens to the change in my breathing or words...or when I spoke spilling my thoughts and feelings...I guess I'm getting to the point where I feel like I do even more then I used to...like drowning or choking. Barely breathing. Wondering if anyone is listening...slowly fading away. Feel like I do because I just do...what else can I say...I just do. I'm going to try to make it through. Feelings in the past that I used to feel are now long gone...but know new feelings have taken their place...different feelings. I still don't breath easy at night...I hardly sleep anymore...but I just feel this way...I just do.

Break down the Wall

2009-01-29T23:06:00.002+01:00

You know when sometimes you don't or can't believe the problems, feelings, or situations are in front of you? You seem to be wading into the water and then you find yourself with the water almost to your waist. You could say everything seemed okay at first and then out of no where the water has gotten deeper and deeper and then you find yourself drowning in your own fears. But then I ask myself if I'm the only one? Cause I know everyone goes through this feeling sometimes. I'll admit that sometimes I'm scared and sometimes I fall. But I guess there is nothing you can really do I mean its not like there is a guide out there to help you out and tell you what to do...how to stand up again. But we shouldn't be afraid of asking for help. We pray for some sanity. We all feel a little broken hearted inside at some point. You just have to bust down the wall...it can be done...you have to break out and step out of the darkness and walk into the light and keep moving on.

Winter Day

2009-01-29T22:30:00.003+01:00

Winter is cold and numbing. I guess you can compare a cold winter day with my feelings...What I feel is cold...nothing...numbness..I feel as if my heart is frostbitten ... its cold...frozen..but just like snow on a warm day melts... I know that one day my cold heart will melt...all the feelings will one day melt just like snow..but for now I'm slowly regaining the feeling in me...slowly losing the numbness...slowly losing the coldness...even though winter can be bitter, numbing, and cold it can also be very beautiful and unique with its whiteness it can be so unique on a snowy day...ever snowflake unique in its own way, design and shape,,,snowflakes are like my feelings every single one different some good...some sad... and some bad...
...a winter day....

A Sad Heart

2009-01-26T23:39:00.003+01:00

Somehow I try to black these thoughts out....I try to block them out so I don't go insane or lose my mind. They are crawling inside my head like little insects...playing memories in my head and make me remember of what it used to be and then remind me of what it is now...they remind me how much I feel alone and how I miss having someone there who cares and will tell me that its okay. There's a burning feeling inside me and a nervous bleeding in my brain. Will we ever go back again? Will you never try to reach me? Will you never change your ways? You can go ahead and hate and critize me all you want...heck you can hate me tomorrow critize me all week...critize me for reasons of things that I haven't even done. It sometimes so much that its hard to swallow it all..instead of it uniting us it seems to be tearing us all apart...the one thing that tore us apart is the one thing I refuse to touch the one thing I don't talk about again. Sometimes I want to do everything in my heart to change everything. Enough with all the hating , all the critizing, the fighting, the bickering, and the hurting everything just ENOUGH with it STOP IT all! With a sad heart I seem to just sit here...kicking the shadows for all the mistakes that have happened...I want to make it all go away...just gone forever..and bring back the smiles...the happiness I used to see in our faces..and just how it used to be..How can you do this to me?? How can you do this to us your family? I guess you can go and hate me and critize me....you can hate us...then you can finally see if that does any good to you.

Letting Go

2009-01-26T23:10:00.000+01:00

Where do you go after a day that feels like an eternity?? Where does our heart beat?...Who's wrong? Why must I feel this way? Why do I cry? How can I let this all go? Why do I feel anything? Why must I feel? Why? Will someone help me? Let me follow them through this never ending maze? Show me the right path to take...Why do I go through this? Why? Why do I go this way? Why do I think? How could we let go of this? Why do I feel? Why? Why? Why did I go this way? Why? How could I let it go? How could I? How? Why? How could I? Why must I feel this way? Why won't these headaches go away? It seems the more I think of it the stronger they become...the more they come...I try to not think of it and let it slide but it seems the more I try to forget the more I seem to remember and think of it..I try to push out these thoughts but they some how manage to crawl back into my head...at nights its worse cause sometimes I can't even sleep because my mind is filled with so many thoughts...So I ask again where....where do you go after a long day that doesn't seem to end that seems like a eternity?....

What if..

2009-01-23T14:46:00.002+01:00

What if we could put our lives on hold or on pause...what would you do? What would we do?
Would we do nothing at all? Or would you want to go back and change something? What if we could...where would you go? Would we need someone or something? Who would you want to be around? Could someone look into your eyes ans see life in them? Or would they see nothing at all..? Just a blank stare...What would you do if we could do this?

Hurt Before

2009-01-20T17:46:00.003+01:00

She's this girl in the world...moving as fast as she goes...she loves her mother...the only secure thought she knows...but at night she's alone...dreaming of something new of better times...she's praying that her dreams will one day come true...can someone show me?? Can someone show me how to be brave...Show me the way and tell me how to get through this...what do I say??
There is a pain in my heard that I'm trying so hard to unwind and untangle. It makes me cry in the night when I am alone in my room ,when these visions of life can sometimes make me go blind.. I want to break through this fear of raising scars and pains from within me..and start a new kind of me...show me the way..show me show me how can I be strong and brave. You see its like I'm finally turning the key to this door...unlocking it and stepping outside into this roller coaster world...taking whatever future holds...taking a stride...we have all in someway or another have been hurt before right? Well your not alone...if you have been hurt before...no you are not alone.

Many Shades Of Blue

2009-01-20T17:19:00.003+01:00

It's almost past 7 o' clock she stumbles down the stairs..her mother cooking in the kitchen and her father is in his same old chair...on the newspaper the headline reads that the sun will come out today.. there it is shining down the perfect streets...her eyes wide open the sky is always many shades of blue..badly broken she's lost and lonely..hearing the school bells singing "Hurry don't be late for class" Wandering through the hallways through the crowds searching for her place to go. The writing on her teachers chalkboard read "Who will make a change?" She raises her hand no one even notices her there..with arms wide open her life has become many shades of blue...partly broken she's lost and lonely...there is no escape from it...where she's going..many shades of blue...partly hopeless...she let the water run more then usual...a little deep..she slowly slips on in and she finds the nerve to breathe...everyone doesn't see it coming...the cops arrive with sirens blaring and they find her many shades of blue...but it's hopeless no ones noticed her until now...her eyes wide open...they found her floating...there is no escaping of where she's going...many shades of blue...with her arms wide open...she went and made her change...still many shades of blue...then she just suddenly wakes up from her dream...but she is still a thousand shades of blue...

Feel Like Running Forever

2009-01-20T16:55:00.004+01:00

Sometimes I feel like just running...without stopping...even if I'm exhausted and my muscles are straining with pain I just want to run and run..running clears my mind...makes me forget for a bit...I just hear my feet hitting the pavement over and over again...it seems like my legs move mechanically without thinking...over and over again...hearing my heartbeat going faster and faster...my breathing...everything going to the rhythm of the music blaring in my ears....faster and faster..I want to run and keep running and never stop. Just run away for a bit from all the problems, the hate and the pain. To just run and forget it all....cause I'm just sick of everything.. I just want to get away and go somewhere far away...just so I can think and get my mind cleared...never stopping...I want to just run and feel the cold wind on my face...I want to run until my leg muscles have gone numb...not feel anything anymore...nothing no pain, no sadness, no anger, no happiness...feel nothing...some may not understand this feeling but I know some do and some feel like doing the exact same...they feel like just running and running....
...RUN...

I promise you I'll be back

2009-01-19T19:08:00.002+01:00

Wandering towards the back...looking down towards the ground..
suddenly I look up and stop dead in my tracks...just standing there both of our eyes locked on each other for almost a minute but it seemed like an eternity. I wanted to just run over and give him a huge hug and say that it was good to see him again but knowing that I couldn't but I knew he could see in my eyes what I wanted to say. He could read my mind. But no yet no not yet could we do this. Looking into his dark brown boyish eyes I could read it "I'm Sorry" is what I could read off. I hadn't seen him for almost a year but I never forgot the message he left on my phone the night everything happen " Your the one that has always helped me through every time...every time you were there telling me to be strong and not fall...but yet by my actions here I find myself to have fallen...but it wasn't because of you or my family it was because of me and my foolish actions. I'm sorry for the pain I cause you and my family...but one thing I want to tell you is that I promise you I'll try real hard and come back...I promise...I'll be back" I can still hear his voice sadden and scared playing over and over in my head. I couldn't help but look back slightly there he was actually sitting there...somehow I couldn't believe he was really there...it felt as if I was dreaming...that it was a dream and that I would wake up...but I didn't wake up from any dream...it was real it was reality. Seeing him again same old him...with his same dark brown boyish eyes and see that shyness on his face. I wanted to talk to him but I couldn't but I really wanted to so badly. Afterwards when he got up to leave he waited at the door for a little bit until I turned and looked back our eyes locking once again...all I heard and all I could read is "I promise I'll be back I promise you..."
Just by him being there gave me some hope. I still have faith that he'll be back...
"I promise you I'll be back..."

Living and Breathing

2009-01-19T18:48:00.004+01:00

I've had enough of living my life like this...in darkness and sadness..I can't explain why I have to suffer this...all I ever do is live my life right and straight...stay out of trouble...I find it ridiculous that we go back to square one every time...every day...every minute same old CRAP and I'm SICK of it! I want to be happy again... I want to be me again...everyone has noticed a change in me...they say that they see sadness in my eyes that I'm not myself...if they only knew what's going on inside me...in my mind...what I'm feeling inside...I can hear myself screaming in my mind..Sometimes I feel like just yelling out "I'M SORRY FOR LIVING AND BREATHING!" Why is it that you say you'll change the way you are but you don't you go back to the same crap again and again. Those who see me say I've changed seem more quieter and more reserved. Sometimes I wish I could tell them why why I seem changed the reason is YOU. Others have no idea what I'm going through or what I'm feeling...it feels like a drowning feeling or a choking feeling either way it feels like I can't breathe. I want to express myself and when I want to express my things it never comes out. I want to say so much more...but it seems I can't get the words to come out of my mouth...it seems like someone hits the mute on my voice and any time I want to speak nothing...no nothing comes out.

Nothingness

2009-01-14T21:46:00.001+01:00

What is a flashlight without a battery?
What is a toaster without a plug?
What is a human without a heart beat?
What is a person without emotions or feelings?
What is life without happiness or joy?
What is a shoe without lace?
What is a clock without a minute hand?
What is a question without an answer?
What is a phone with no signal?
What is lake without water?
What is a fire without the flames?
What is a rose without its petals?
What is a book without pages?
What is a computer without a mouse?
What is a car without a tire?
What is a lamp without a bulb?
What is an instrument without a string ?
What is a table without legs?
What is a heart without blood?
What is a lung without oxygen?
What is a body without a brain?
What is a friendship without trust?
What is a relationship without love?
What is a hand without fingers?
What is a map without directions?
What is a feeling if it can't be felt?
What is a thought if you can't think it?
Right that the answer to mostly all of these questions is nothing??
Then why do we sometimes have nothing?? If we don't have something that we need then it is nothing right? Then how come we live with nothing sometimes things we need in order to live how come sometimes people lose it or destroy it or throw it away and prefer to have nothing? I think it would be better to have at least something then nothing right? Or is it better to just throw everything away and not want anything and just have nothing at all?? Or the ones who do have something but they just greedy and keep wanting more and more while others have nothing.Why not be happy or grateful that we have something? Because many people may have nothing at all and here you are wanting something new or something better then what your have.
....nothing....nothing....nothingness

How do we know that there will be another tommorow?

2009-01-12T18:33:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I ask myself will there be a tomorrow?? How can we be certain of it? Is there some way that we can know?? There isn't always an open door ... Life I have realized is something sacred and we mustn't waste it away... because the future no one can see and today we are here and tomorrow we can be gone. We must just step aside and just live our life because tomorrow can just wash away like a chalk paint left in the rain. Don't put off the things for tomorrow that you can do today... we must take advantage of everyday because that moment is now and if we don't live it we might just regret it. As I sit here and just watch the snow fall down and can see the snowflakes melt just as they land on the window and that made me realize how our lives and moments can be they can be here for a split second and then the next thing they could be melted away. We must always have a reason if we don't then the moments could be gone. Life is now and it is here we can almost feel it. That's why we must put the negativity to the side and just live our life to the fullest because in a moment it could be gone. We shouldn't live in weakness and in fear. Our ability to taste the sweetness....we must taste it...life is real so we shouldn't ever fake it. We need to just live it and let it be. Because tomorrow could just wash away just how chalk on the sidewalk washes away under the rain. This moment is now.. none of of can see the future and what it'll be... we shouldn't wait or else it'll be to late and we will regret not living out life.

I've Lost My Innocence

2009-01-06T15:36:00.000+01:00

I'm done yes I have said I'm DONE with all of this...I've exposed my weakness inside me with the daylight it bright enough to kill this dream of mine. I'm losing my innocence. I can't really expect to live like this forever? We can't right? What can I say or what should I say or even better how can I explain this pain? It weighs somewhat heavy on the brains of those who I love..those who keep the faith...when I know there's just only one way. I can't live like this forever. No I won't..we weren't made to live like this no we NEVER were...I try to come as close as I can and try to make it work but instead I turn around and walk back towards the darkness I have been hiding in cause you just yell and bicker about the stupidest things. One thing that I know is that we were never meant nor made to live like this.

Living

2009-01-06T15:24:00.000+01:00

I have gone for much to long living as if I'm not alive. I have to attempt to find myself underneath this frostbitten cold self I see in the mirror everyday...I know she's in there somewhere and I must find her again and bring her out again...when I make all the things said and all the things said and all the things seen fad away. I'm going to make sure it's gone for good and replaced. I seem to have tied my pain below me and no one seems to know that I'm hurt and broken inside. I've tried to patch up my deep wounds and kill these fears of mine that don't let me sleep at night. It's not fake less if I try to open my eyes and I'll try to face these fears that have become real. I just need this pain to end right now. But why is it so hard? I have to cause it just might save me before it's to late...

Flamming

2009-01-06T15:15:00.000+01:00

This is such a shame of what we have become...such fragile beings that can be hurt and broken so easily. The memory seems to remain as if it is encrypted in my brain...there is a tiny spark inside of me and when things give it oxygen it seems to burn with such heat and i just let the flames begin to burn inside me...hotter and hotter. This is my death was wish when he tried to come take us down. Sometimes I guess my weakness give me a little bit of strength I need and I'll die searching for it...this happiness...something that seems so foreign...I can't let myself regret such happiness. Even after it all the pain caused i still can't believe there's a little bit of hope buried beneath it all. Hiding there...growing underneath a small glimpse...a small glitter of it. Wishing as i sink into this lifeless life of mine, This is what I'll be when he comes and tries to take me down...tries to take us down with his hurtful words.

A Flower Among The Ashes

2009-01-05T15:44:00.001+01:00

When something burns it seems to destroy everything in its way..no matter what it is it seems to be burned and vaporized right? But a few days later you can see that life is still there...even after everything that happened you see a flower grow in the middle of all the destruction....I guess that's how you could describe the feeling I feel right now after all of the pain I've gone through everything I have had to encounter you'd think that I couldn't feel or live anymore. But I guess we all have to go through suffering and learn from it. We can't and shouldn't let it defeat us because just like that fire it may destroy everything but yet a flower always rises from among the ashes. You may think that there is no life left...nothing...but life always grows again if you truly believe it can it will...Don't stop believing in your dreams, in your beliefs, in your feeling, and most importantly don't stop believing in your self. I've been through a lot and I admit sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore...you want to scream and yell and hit something...but in the end what good will that do?? It only gives the person who is causing it the power to know that they can get to you and that they can break you. But you mustn't ever give them that power...if you believe in yourself then you can get through it...I have that's what I did...I am that flower that rises among the ashes.

Like a Roaring Wind

2008-12-29T18:37:00.000+01:00

I can see it in her eyes and it has bugging me all day and i can see that she wants to cry..u can see she has been acting really strange..when he starts talking and complaining I tend to tune him out cause what's the point in listening anymore? It doesn't even matter anymore cause I know its just gonna be a bunch of lies and I just know what he's going to say..."I ain't good enough"...and then the tears start pouring even though I don't want them to...they just start flowing and that's when i know that its coming...when you see the rain falling you know that the pain is coming...just like a roaring wind he breaks and rips everything in his way. The way you have hurt me and now I'm left with the pain. But I can't say that I'm surprised cause to you life has always been like a game...and you said exactly what I knew you would say. And it does hurt in that I won't lie cause it does, but I won't let it hurt me as bad as it could cause someone has shown me to let it just slide and go with the flow cause none of it is true. But I can just know when its all coming..the tears and the pain but after it all I'm just left with the pain and my life is some what shattered but I have to pick up the pieces. Just start new ... a new beginning and slowly put everything back together again. I will be strong I will go on for myself...I know I can make it through even if its painful..

When it rains

2008-12-23T06:32:00.001+01:00

When it rains it seems that every raindrop touches something...can you just say it again again but actually mean it?? Well it wasnt my fault you yourself made a bed at the bottem of the blackest hole and the conviced yourself that its not the reason why you dont see us or the sun anymore..But how could you do it? I never saw it coming no i need a ending to this chapter so why don't you stay a little longer and explain it a little more clearer? And when it rains will we always find a escape? Just running away from all if the ones who loved you. From everything you created the distance ... but i cant see how you did this I personally never saw it coming...explain that to me...take your time and EXPLAIN..take these chances to turn it all around..take the chances and maybe we can get through it maybe we can turn it all around...how did this happen?? how did we get here?? I never saw this coming...no I truly didnt see it coming...
so just come stay a little longer and take your time and explain it.

No one ever wins

2008-12-23T06:09:00.000+01:00

Hold your head up high you never wrong, somewhere in this crazy ride you belong you would rather fight then walk away. What a lonely way to breath the air.. jeez what a lovely way to say you care now we are to far gone for me to say that I never thought that we would come to this. Maybe there is beauty still there...you would rather fight then walk away...there is no reason left to try...now it has gone to far look at where we stand now...you've pushed me away another black day, here I am counting up the reasons to cry. Look what you missed living like this no body wins. Searching for the REAL truth in your eyes found myself so lost...that I don't even recognize the person that you claim to be. Don't know where to stop or where to begin your just so caught up in who you are now your far to high for me to even see you and understand this. You never said you were sorry for the pain you cause...but don't assume that I won't forgive...don't assume that I'll take you there...but here is another black day and still I find myself counting up the reasons to cry...we've gone to far and either way no body wins....no one ever wins.

Home (English Version)

2008-12-22T19:20:00.002+01:00

You wish you could be with them but every direction leads you away. Pray for tomorrow and also for today. All I want is to be at a happy home. Standing in front of the mirror I look the same but different too. Just looking for shelter..from the cold and the pain. Some where to cover safe from the cold wet rain. All I want to be is home. Echoing silence patience and grace. All of these moments I'll never replace. The fear of my heart is to have absence of faith. People I've loved i have no regrets. Some I can remember some I have forgotten..some of them are still living some are dead.. all I want to be home...

Home

2008-12-22T19:20:00.001+01:00

você deseja que você poderia ser com eles mas ligações de cada sentido você afastado. Pray para o amanhã e também para hoje. Tudo que eu quero é estar em um repouso feliz. Estar na frente do espelho eu olha o mesmo mas diferentes demasiado. Abrigo procurando justo. .from o frio e a dor. Alguns onde cobrir o cofre da chuva molhada fria. Tudo que eu quero ser é home. Paciência e grace ecoando do silêncio. Todos estes momentos eu nunca substituirei. O medo de meu coração é ter a ausência da fé. Os povos que I têm amaram-me não têm nenhum pesar. Alguns mim rmember da lata alguns que eu me esqueci que. .some deles estão vivendo ainda alguns estão inoperantes. tudo que eu quero ser home…

Changing the World

2008-12-20T23:44:00.000+01:00

I guess everyone just wants the best for everyone...friends, family, special someones..but I think sometimes we don't know what that means....what is the best we can get?...I know they bring out the best in me and I bring out the best in them. I know we can sometimes get sick of these abstract things. But time has been kind in a weird kind of way...we all sometimes wait for the feeling to leave..but then you think maybe if I can just hold on to this feeling for this long then maybe I can get them to hold me. Don't you believe that in someway we have changed the world in a small way? Even if we feel we haven't we have maybe changed the world for someone else. Sometimes we don't think we can make it alone but we really aren't alone. I don't have much more to lose..I can't say for sure where I'll end up..but I just want to end up there with them. When the darkness seems to creep in and my world seems to be crashing down and it starts to turn again...will you believe?? When you won't get over them and your world just splits in two and you just can't seem to make it through......will they believe in you? Don't you believe we have changed the world for someone or somehow? Well at least I changed the world for many.

Feelings Continued...

2008-12-15T23:02:00.000+01:00

I'm bleeding, screaming and deceiving because of you. But you still don't hear me screaming on the inside and you just keep on going. I'm tormented daily and defeated by you. It feels like I'm falling forever. It seems I have blurred and mixed the truth and the lies to the point where I don't know whats real and whats not. I always have confused thought inside my head and sometimes I can't trust myself anymore on what to believe. So go on and scream and yell at me, but I won't be broken again. Not anymore. Sometimes I feel so numb and cold. Have you no shame don't you see me here hurt and alone?? But now I know I can't and never will be the perfect person you want me to me...cause like everyone else I am human. I know the truth now someone has told me that I am not worthless or anything that you have said. I can't even say " I love you" now. Everything you have said about us isn't true. Sometimes I'm tired of being here anymore. These deep wounds don't seem to heal, this pain is just to much sometimes. Its just too much that not even time can't heal nor erase it. Your voice with your hurtful words seem to linger in the air. They whisper slowly to me...I fear you but I won't let you pull me down. the idea of you watching my every move to see what I'm doing wrong, to pick out my every imperfection haunts me. I've tried to kill the pain but it seems to come back every time I try to think positive. They tell me to not worry and think positive but sometimes its really hard to do. Sometimes my bedroom is my refugee to go cry, wanting to just scream but I can't I'm already swallowed up in my screaming and pain. Sometimes I can just lay on the floor for hours crying and hurting. You don't seem to remember my true self. I try so hard not to think about it but my mind races... I can't believe I actually feel for the words you've said. I look in the mirror and I see the pain in my eyes but I seem to be able to put a fake smile on and make it seem like nothing is wrong. In was letting you take over me but not anymore. I miss my old self...the happy and cheerful I used to be and I know she is still inside me under my cold and hurt self. I'm slowly going back to her even if its hard I will make it and I shall become her again. I'm done trying to be good enough for you. cause with you its impossible to be. I am to others the say I'm a great person. That they love my happy, funny and outgoing persona. That I should just let it slide and forget everything. Somehow I know there's just more to come but I will just have to wheel it all aways and not close my eyes and let myself fall. No I wont try to turn away and I won't try to hide anymore.

Sometimes

2008-12-09T01:16:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I lock myself from the world.
Sometimes I dream of better times and a better place.
Sometimes we want to feel happy but all that comes is sadness.
Sometimes people hurt us without thinking.
Sometimes I just want to scream.
Sometimes I want to dance all the anger away.
Sometimes I want to talk to someone and feel less lonely.
Sometimes I find myself crying at night.
Sometimes I pray for hours.
Sometimes I can't sleep because my mind races all night.
Sometimes I'm scared of what others will say of me.
Sometimes I just want to run and keep on running...
Sometimes I wonder if I'm good enough.
Sometimes I want to just say " Stop it can't you see your words are hurting me" But when I seem to speak I can't.
Sometimes I lose my voice when I try to speak.
Sometimes I hate myself for letting everything get to me.
Sometimes I scream with all my might silently in my mind.
Sometimes I just wonder why.
Sometimes I wonder if someone cares for me.
Sometimes I'm scared of being in my own house.
Sometimes I want to forget but just can't.
Sometimes I try to look strong but I'm weak sometimes.
Sometimes I want to cry but I find that I have no tears left.
Sometimes I wish better times were here.
Sometimes I wish I could see that someone was proud of me.
Sometimes I wonder why the world is so cruel.
Sometimes I can see the pain and loneliness in my eyes.
Sometimes I can see I'm not the only one who wants to just scream and feel less lonely.
Sometimes...